Thoughts

It’s been a long time…

Happy December everyone! It’s been quite a long time since you’ve heard of me… So this is kind of an apologizing post and something like a life update… Before I begin, I should let you know that I feel better (than the other days) and this is why I’m writing this post.

A few weeks ago (I can’t recall the exact date) I started feeling that depression was knocking on my door again… I’ve been struggling with this feeling for a long time. I have experienced it before either for shorter periods or for longer ones. Last year (it was around this time again) I was in a really bad state of depression. I’m not very comfortable to talk about this “dark” period of my life (especially now) so here is a post that has a few details about it.

I made a promise to myself that this year would be different. I started reading books and tried to improve my mental health. Also, I’ve been trying to understand how our minds work. And I was doing pretty well… Until now. A combination of bad thoughts, bad feelings and even worse situations “hit” me, and I was laying in bed without energy, crying, in no time.

When you’re struggling with depression, the most important thing (at least for me) are the people around you. Generally, people around us have a huge impact on us. And this is something I need to focus on because it’s making me either happy or sad… Motivates me or sucking all my energy… And right now, people are sucking all my energy. I don’t want to go further into that but they are making me feel worse. They might not know it or realize it or understand the whole situation. But I’m sick of it.

The last few weeks I hardly make it out of bed and I’m totally not proud of myself… I couldn’t even finish my own Instagram challenge… I didn’t have the energy to work on it. I had a few messages from some of you that my blog had issues with loading speed. I reached my hosting service and started to work on it, but halfway through I was so sad and so disappointed because it was confusing and required a lot of work. I couldn’t even sit on the computer. My eyes were watering. This exact post took me about 4 days to write it. My mind just won’t concentrate. I keep forgetting stuff, and important ones.

I’m angry on myself for feeling this way. And I hate battling with myself. I tried talking to a person close to me, but -funny thing- she said I was “psycho”. How easy it is to put a “tag” on someone. “Psycho”. I’m not a psycho. I know I have some problems and the fact that I can’t solve them, or I don’t know how to solve them makes me depressed. Where is the psychotic in that?

I feel really vulnerable. For some people, this might look as an excuse. I know I could force myself to blog, and post old pictures for my Instagram Challenge, and everything would look great! But this would make me hate myself! Last few pics I posted were old ones, and I felt that I was lying to you. I was even madder at myself. I felt that I was pretending that everything was alright when I was feeling awful. And this is the bad thing with Social media. We constantly have to show to people that we’re having fun and our lives are awesome. We have a cool and positive “virtual profile” while we’re struggling and feel awful on the inside. Of course, this isn’t happening to everyone. But personally, I won’t lie. This is not me.

Anyway, I can say now that I’m finishing this post I feel a little bit better. Because it’s a start. I wanted to let you guys know what’s going on. Thank you all for your messages and for caring about me. It’s amazing that people from the other side of the world actually care about you, and even bother to send you a message to see if everything is alright. So thank you for this! And I’m really sad that I couldn’t finish the #30NovemberPieces. I’m still going to do a recap of your amazing pictures though and for the people, that managed to finish the whole challenge.

I’m determined to work on myself and get over it. I won’t let this take over me, especially now that it’s Christmas. I love this time of the year. I will do whatever it takes. Even going to a doctor. I hate being like this. I would appreciate any kind of help and I want to know if you ever been through something like this and how you got over it. I really need it.

Much love, Apostolia.

PS. This is the first time that I’m scared to hit the “Publish” button. This is very personal, and I feel totally vulnerable sharing all this with you… I hope you won’t judge me harshly and you’ll still be around… Sorry if this made you feel negative… I promise you, better posts are coming!