Life,  The Real Me

Growing up feels scary…

I don’t really know how to write this post, because I already feel these mixed bittersweet feelings and I can’t concentrate. So… I’m just going to write down exactly my thoughts, just like I would write to my diary in my teenage years. (already feeling nostalgic!) In fact, I’m going to do it exactly like that so…

“Dear Diary,

today I’m turning 23 years old. That means 8.402 days exactly living in this world. And no I didn’t just count them one by one, thanks to google I found this tool. (I’m dropping the link because if you’re like me you would like to calculate yours!) How BIG is that? I mean it feels like everything happened in the blink of an eye but yet I’ve been in this world for about 8,5 thousand days.

Feelings check: Excited, Inspired, Insecure, Worried, Nostalgic, Stressed and Overwhelmed

But why do I feel this way? Especially on my birthday! I mean this day is all about me right? I’m celebrating one more successfully passed year in this amazing world! Why do I feel that lump in my throat and I just want to cry like a little kid?

Because I feel like a kid. I don’t want to grow up. Actually, I don’t want to grow old.

I know that every single day I’m growing. I’m 24 hours older… but I just don’t realize it. No one realizes it! Until my birthday comes and *boom* it just hits me in the face. I’m suddenly one year older.

Can we slow things down? It feels like yesterday when I was finishing school and that was 5 years ago!

I just… I feel that I can’t control growing up and this terrifies me. I know that it’s happening to every human being in the world but in my head is freaking me out. You know I’ve struggled with anxiety before and I’m totally freaking out when things are getting out of my control.

I feel that I’m aging. Which is kinda stupid. I’m exactly the same person as I was one week ago or three weeks ago (okay maybe a few pounds more because… not really focusing on my diet right now) But once I realize I’m one year older I feel afraid. And I know that age is just a number but… I can not just let that slip!

Then comes the self-doubt. I feel like is what I’m doing right? Am I on the right path? Am I doing adulthood right? because I hate to admit that but I don’t really feel like an adult. Even though I should! Because I’m 23 years old now! My brother keeps bring this up whenever we fight “You’re 23 years old and you’re still living with your mother!” (even though this is a normal thing to do in Greece because the salaries and the rentals don’t really go well together.. so it’s really hard to rent a house… and let’s not even talk about buying one!) and I’m like “Sh*t this is true! I mean.. Gigi Hadid is on the same age as me! Look where she is and look what I’m doing with my life!”

And what about the fear of the unknown? What will happen in the future!? I need to make a business plan! What will I do with my life? My career? My finances? It makes me so stressed!

Okay… Pause…

*Taking a deep breath*

*grabbing a spoonful of ice cream*

Now that I’m writing down my feelings and I slowly unravel the knot of thoughts in my head … it doesn’t seem so bad. I mean in the beginning, it felt huge in my head! But now… I can kinda breathe normally again… And well… I feel like I put something out of my chest.

*grabbing a spoonful of ice cream again*

Just popped in my head something that Tonny Robbins says in most of his videos.

“You’re either growing or you’re dying”.

This is really really deep. Think about it for a second.

And now that I mentioned Tony, gonna watch one of his videos in Youtube because he really makes me feel awesome.. when I’m not feeling okay… So it’s exactly what I need right now to “shift” my mind

**

Okay a few videos later I’m back here… and this video actually really got me! (I’m putting this below)

 

Growing doesn’t feel so bad after all…  Right?

Every period of our life has something to teach us and something to offer us actually. New experiences, new struggles, new life lessons, new feelings! I don’t know what life might bring me in the future but.. with worrying the only thing I’m gonna “attract” into my life is more worrying. So instead I’m choosing to have faith.

Faith that everything will come when the time is right.

Faith that I’ll make the right decisions.

Faith that  I’ll make the most out of every single day, from this day forward.

Faith that I’m going to make each new year of my life the BEST year of my life.

I can’t control life. I can’t control growing up. But I can control my thoughts and my feelings. And I can control the way I REACT to life. Even though it might seem hard sometimes. 

So today, I’m not going to look back and feel nostalgic. I’m going to look back and feel proud. And I’m not going to look into the future feeling worried and insecure. I’m going to look ahead and feel excited and have faith. But right now, I’m focusing on living in the NOW. 

So… hello 23! I’m excited for you! and … can’t wait for everything that you’re going to bring me! ”


Okay, this is one of the posts that I really enjoyed writing. The whole “diary” thing was just so spontaneous and “freeing” I guess… I loved it! What do you think? Let me know in the comments…

Anyway… To everyone feeling afraid of growing up or growing “old”:

Have FAITH.

Everything is a matter of perspective. There are so many tools out there that are going to help you create an amazing life. Focus on working on yourself. Get to know yourself. Do things that make you happy! Simplify life! Talk about how you feel, be around people that make you feel good and even though it might sound harsh stop hanging out with people that are making you feel bad about yourself. Stop every toxic relationship you might have. Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be you, because life is too short to be anything but HAPPY.

“Life Is Short. Smile While You Still Have Teeth.”

And with all that said, I’m going to grab John and we gonna hang out at the beach. Because I want to savor every single moment of this amazing opportunity we call life!

Thank you so much for all your sweet messages that you’ve sent me already! It really means so much to me! I just love ya all so much!

Apostolia xx